You have had such good intentions, but despite your efforts, it frustratingly never goes very well. You know the people you dated in the past didn’t meet your needs, and you repeatedly promised yourself you’d never go through that ever again, and yet it has kept on happening.
You’ve seen other people settle down and manage long-term relationships, and maybe wondered ‘why them and not me?’.
It’s not your fault and it’s not bad luck; it’s conditioning.
Your entire pattern of relating to others is what needs tending to if you want to change your ‘luck’. And that can’t be done with better intentions alone. Deciding that you want and deserve better is a wonderful start, but it’s not enough on its own, and that’s okay!
It took your brain years to learn how to relate to others, so it’s no surprise that you can’t change it through sheer determination alone. And the kicker is that you may well have met ideal partners in passing, but you may not have seen each other as potential partners because your way of relating doesn’t match. If you’re an over-giver, people-pleaser, or hyper-independent, an ideal match is not looking for those qualities; they’re looking for someone who can give and take in a balanced way. And you may equally feel that there’s no spark of recognition because their pattern of relating feels unfamiliar to you.
Love is not luck; it’s a pattern and it’s a skill.
So how do we change it all? How do we become fully conscious of the patterns we’re in, and do something about it?
Talking about it is also not enough on its own. If it were enough, all your efforts to talk things through with your friends and maybe even your therapists would have shifted you into a new dynamic.
Talking is the analysis, the bringing something into the light. Great. But you did not learn to relate to people through analysis. You learnt through emotion. When I’m sad, is anyone coming? When I’m happy, do I see joy reflected in my parent’s face? When I need something and am too young to explain, does my caregiver stay with me until we work it out and meet the need? Do I trust that my caregiver loves me, regardless of what emotions I’m expressing? Am I punished or given less attention when I’m anything but ‘pleasant’?
Emotion is the key to change. And that’s what you’ll utilise as you begin to change your pattern.
The good news is, that your brain and body does know this; it knows what it needs and who is right. But that small voice you need access to has been buried by the unreleased baggage from your life – baggage that is still convinced you need saving. When what you really need is to exit the chaos and dispense with the baggage. Because it’s not serving you any longer.
Imagine a relationship in which you feel safe, seen, and celebrated for exactly who you are. And knowing that you’ve broken the cycle. You’re confident in your ability to navigate the challenges, and you’re calm enough to actually enjoy and trust love in a way you never have before. And you don’t get there by becoming someone or something else, or becoming ‘perfect’ or ‘ready’ – you get here by being the most ‘you’ you’ve ever been, minus the noise and dysfunction.
Healthy relationships don’t happen by luck – they happen by intentional rewiring of the patterns that kept you in the ‘Low Quality Relationship Loop’ for so long.
You’ve already done the hard part – surviving. Now it’s time to let the love you want in. Here’s how:
Book a call if you’re ready to rewrite your relationship story.