You’re so caring! They’re an idiot for not wanting you,’ say the friends who want to boost you up when you’re feeling rejected. It’s often said with love, and reassurance that you are worthy and that it’s not your fault that things ended. And it’s true – you are worthy.
But I’m going to let you in on a little secret.
A partner who really cares about you, values you, and is emotionally healthy, will not only just enjoy you for the sake of it, without you having to give them anything, but will also be turned off by overgiving.
Overgiving is occasionally necessary, sure, but it’s not meant to be how you exist continuously in adult-to-adult relationships. Where did you learn to overgive? What would have happened if you hadn’t overgiven? It becomes a habit and a way of living when it’s necessary for our or our family’s survival. And that’s okay. But it’s not going to be the route to finding and sustaining healthy love.
I was an overgiver until I did the work. And then I dated an overgiver. It was one of the most humbling experiences of my life! To experience an imbalance of giving and taking aimed at me was a sign that this person was not able to be in a healthy relationship. I wanted to know them, but they just couldn’t take up space with their wants and needs. It didn’t last very long.
To a healthy partner, your wants, needs and passions are SEXY. Putting aside your overgiving to just be yourself is far more connection-building than overgiving is.
And in my experience, over-giving tends to attract people who exploit you. Which frequently results in one-sided relationships where we’re burnt out, neglected, resentful and unhappy.
Are you ready to stop repeating old patterns in relationships and start building something new? If yes, I’ve got something for you.
Come and join me at my next online workshop.